What our upstairs neighbor might be doing

It's not easy, having your feet removed and replaced with anvils. But darn it, I'm going to find a way to get by. Now to practice my walking. No—JUMPING. That's the spirit, me!

If only the clog dancing studio hadn't burned to the ground. I suppose we'll have to use my living room. My neighbors will understand once they find out how much money our performance will raise for the third-world orphans.

MY BOOKCASE IS TRYING TO KILL ME NOT AGAIN OH BOOKCASE LEAVE ME BE OH GAAAAAH

This new therapist wants me to do trust falls all by myself, because if I can't trust myself, he says, who can I trust? He's the expert, I guess. I wish I could at least do them on my mattress. Or some pillows. Ow.

I AM GOING TO BAKE COOKIES FOR THE NEW NEIGHBORS! I AM SO EXCITED TO MEET THEM! I CAN'T STOP JUMPING! AND FALLING! AND LEAPING FROM THE TOPS OF THINGS!

You know, I think I'll hammer some sound-absorbing materials to my floors. So that I don't bother anyone else in the building. I know some people would say, wait until morning, get some rest. But there's no rest for the thoughtful. I'll hammer until 3 a.m. if I have to. Just hammer and hammer.

Comments

[Amy]

Oh my word that was funny. Thank you for sharing. And the commenter with the story about her daughter being disappointed that horses weren't actually upstairs, oh my. I wish my life were half so entertaining. But I guess it is only entertaning from a distance, eh? My heart goes out to you and I hope the clog studio gets repaired soon.

[Mauigirl]

I hope it's a temporary situation! I can relate. I happen to have trouble sleeping when there is a TV on - anywhere I can hear it. And we used to have an upstairs neighbor when we lived in our apartment, who left his on ALL NIGHT. And it was right above our bed. I sometimes went into the living room and slept on the couch to get away from the murmuring annoying sound of the TV.

[Melanie]

Haha! I've got my upstair neighbor narrowed down to an evening regimen of sit ups and jumping jacks (trying to buff up for the ladies...). Also, it's really great that I can hear his cell phone ring through the floor, then hear his entire conversation while brushing my teeth in the bathroom...oh cheap apartments (and heck I even live in Westcheseter where it's supposed to be fine living!). :D

[Kathryn]

We once had an upstairs neighbor above incredibly thin and porous ceilings. We could hear everything, including her nightly sex episodes. They started out enthusiastic and joyful, but after a couple of months we would hear the guy come over and then retire to the bedroom 10-20 minutes later. We'd hear his loud sex noises and her quiet ones, and then he would leave immediately after and we'd hear her weeping quietly. It was the most discomfiting thing, and I never figured out what I could possibly do about it.

[Maeve]

The sad truth about Park Slope brownstones is that they are super noisy with thin walls and floors. The only way we ever got around it was by being on the top floor. Next apartment, maybe?

[roo]

Alice! Alice! Fall towardsme!I'm nuts, but I remeber uyo.somewhere down a rabbit hole.

[PB Rippey: blogma (sleepless m]

Well, we ARE the upstairs neighbors--with a toddler--but we have carpeting, which is good when at 8pm, toddler in bed, I try out my step-aerobics DVD, quite badly. I'm sure I didn't used to be such a clutz...Anyway, downstairs neighbor insists she doesn't hear anything. She wouldn't lie about a thing like incessant thumping and blatant curses---would she? I guess I love her either way.

[BOSSY]

Brilliant. Again. This is getting boring.

[WendyPinNJ]

You are hilarious. Have really enjoyed reading your blog since I discovered it via Baristanet, just as you were leaving Joisey!

However, I just gotta say, you signed up for this, didn't ya?

;-)

[stacy]

I thought last year's upstairs neighbor was either printing off very long documents or having a lot of perfectly rhythmic sex...turns out (as I learned one day when I saw inside her apartment) she just had a stair-stepper. Positioned directly above my bed.

It could be worse, though, as we learned this year, when her replacements purchased Dance Dance Revolution. A game where you jump around. On a hardwood floor. Directly above my roommate's bed. And apparently this game is even more fun when you drink, so you can fall down! And laugh really loudly about it!

[theaxx]

Just found your blog and literally WEPT from hilarity and SIMIlarity to your paranoia's Soooooooooooooo very funny.

So glad talented and giggley writers like you are out there finding moles. (preferably safe ones of course!)

thea.xx

(www.forthevisionaries.tumblr.com)

[aleigh]

LOL!! This site is hilarious...LOVE the many imaginations illistrated here! Maybe I should print it out and hang it on my neighbor's door for them to read!

No one in this building makes any noise that I hear....except---Of COURSE! The UPstairs ones! Now I've lived here for 5+ years and so has everyone else---except these people. That apt for some reason (and i'm not a complainer) gets turned over all the time. The floors creak now worse than they EVER have...and I'm sure it's because of them!When the guy first moved in, I swore he broke out of prison and was dragging a ball and chain strapped to his ankles around the bedroom at 2 in the morning! Literally, it sounded like chain being drug across wood floors... and then a big ***BAAAANG*** that sounded like he dropped a huge 4ton anvil... I shot out of my bed, thinking that something was going to come crashing through the ceiling above me!

Now..present day: at least 4 times a week, within an hour after I get home from work, they would start into a routine SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAK-----(my ceiling bouncing 2-3 inches every single SQUEAK) .. This would last from anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. at the end, it would slo--owww down. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. I figure okay, the guy is finally getting tired so they are about to give it up for the night....... NO. A few minutes go by and SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAK-----for at least 3 hours...sometimes 4.

It's not so much the "squeaking"...but the ceiling bounces literally 3 inches in every "thrust".

I had my friend over the other night... when the SQUEAK-SQUEAK... started in. I knocked on the ceiling. To no avail. I knocked LOUDER. To NO avail! I hit the handle of the broom against the ceiling SO DANG HARD it knocked holes in my ceiling... to NO AVAIL. I figure, I'm NOT going to go knock on their door when they are in the middle of trying to make Triplets!.... so I'm going to call someone who WILL.

Turns out, after the officers talked to them.. they were "doing jumping jacks to a workout dvd" Now tell me, how do you have the EXACT same rythm in jumping jacks as you do...(even down to the **speed-up and slow-down** at the end) Come ON now! I'm NOT stupid!

[ViolaSaint]

I sometimes feel bad for the people underneath our apartment when we have impromptu dance parties (my roommate clogs) or when we jam on the banjo and spoons and sing loud and obnoxious songs.

But then I remember another apartment, where my upstairs neighbor would (apparently) push a bowling ball off a bar stool and let it roll down the hall between three and five times every single night. Then I feel justified because, hey, at least our noise is organized noise.

[SweetBonita]

The lady upstairs from me is obviously in some sort of bowling league...how else can you explain midnigh bowling? in your apartment?or she's practicing her double dribble...or she's river dancing in heels...or she's playing marbles with oranges...or she hates my guts.but everytime we see each other, we're all, "oh...hiiiiiiiii!"and smiles and "oh let me get that door for you!"....(bitch.)

[SweetBonita]

Did i mention my "apartment" is a condo...where i can't break the "lease" because i own it? i own it under the loudest woman alive?

[Amber]

Ms. Lippy (may I call you Fins?)

It's been a trying week- nothing terrible just too many demands on my patience and energy. For therapy, I've come back to this post several times to have a good laugh. There may have even been a guffaw or two, I can't be sure.

Thanks for putting this out there for me to find.

[Molly]

I often wonder if I'm living underneath a bowling alley...

[Christine Cowen]

we had a nieghbor drop a vibrator on the floor (our cieling) one night..and it was on..maybe it had rolled off the bed. They decided to take a break from thier loud sex and go get...I don't know...more lube??? and as soon as the door slammed behind them (giggling, pulling thier clothes on) it fell. It was LOUD. They came back and it got real quiet for a bit after the initial rush to get to the vibrator and turn it off! HA!

[Kati]

I can completely relate!! Does anyone have a solution? Rip out the ceiling and fill it with stuffing? I lay beneath the squeaks of the stomping, every footstep, every drawer open, every conversation, exactly what TV show he's watching, the giggles from his girlfriend, every night and dream of shooting a bazooka through the ceiling will solve it all. I can't stand it!!

[emomatic]

Seriously, I almost got hysterical reading this one...the trust falls nearly put me over the edge! Thanks for a great laugh. Sorry about the clompity-clomps.

[Amanda]

Same problem here, she thumpapotomuss upstairs doesn't sleep at night, she sleeps during the day (6am-whenever) We have had it out with the apartment management, upper management, written letters, taken audio recordings etc, she promised to get a new bed, and never did, this morning I was up at 4am because she was getting in and out of bed all night (thank God she's too ugly to get laid) some months ago I banged on the ceiling with a broom, after month and months of sleepless nights, SHE had the nerve to play victim and complained that she was "afraid for her life" and thought I was going to come upstairs and hurt her!!! It was her 'golden ring' to try and get one on me since she was up by three lease violations. Since then, (and this morning) I have taken out the vacuum, cleaned the ceiling fan, opened the window a number of times, and talk on the phone, I will keep the vacuum plugged in for the day, occasionally turning it on just for the burst of noise, I will get her sleep pattern disrupted in hopes she will be tired tonight, by the way, I started this at a brisk 9am on a Sunday with no other neighbors attached, SHE is the only one I hope can benefit from a healthy normal weekend schedule from her neighbor ;) I have been surfing the net looking for ways to remedy this, give her some noise, I think I will attach something to the ceiling fan!

[traci]

As I sit with my iPod blaring to block out my own neighbor, this does make me smile for the first time in hours!!

We have only been at this apartment for a week and most of your ideas sound like my upstairs guy. I can confirm he has a speed bag that shakes our light fixtures and windows, but what he does the rest of the time (hopping up and down the halls at 2 a.m.?) I cannot be sure. I saw two cats on his patio, so maybe they are trying to escape?

I have never met anyone who admits to moving furniture at 2.m., yet we have all lived under him. Is he the Santa of apartments?

We are only here for three months, but I seriously think I am going to lose it around week five.

Thanks for the laughs!

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