What's going on.

Readers have asked me to write about Blogher, but I can't. I didn't have the BlogHer experience I wanted to have, and I can't pretend I did, and if I tried to relay my experience I don't think anyone would believe I was at the same conference as all those other amazing people who had such a great time. Because my experience had nothing to do with the conference, it had to do with me. There's something not right in here, and I don't know what the problem is.

What I know is that I'm filled with grief all the time, that I have tried the patience of my friends and family, that I have been less of a mother and wife than I want to be, that I'm terrified that I'm driving away the people I love, that I've barely eaten since I returned. I am sure anyone who saw me at BlogHer will be baffled by this post, because I do an excellent job of hiding in plain sight. But since then something has broken open, and I can't hide. Right now I wish more than anything I could take back the decision to go to this conference, take back the last few months, start over and give you whatever you're here looking for, the anecdote or joke or relief from your day that you probably expect, instead of this sopping mess who's struggling to compose these crappy paragraphs. Even writing this seems awful and self-indulgent, but if I can't be honest here and get this out I will never write here again. I'm barely hanging on, and I'm trying to make sense of what happened to me. Of what's still happening to me.

Please be patient with me as I try to get to the other side of this. I know I will, but getting there means wading through a stunning level of pain and I don't like it one bit.

Comments

[eM]

I don't know if this will surprise you or not but you won't drive anybody away, certainly not the family that loves you and not the readers who only wish they knew you and had something to say to make it better. I, for one, will be here until you feel like sharing something funny or sad or thoughtful or angry. I'll wait. I hope in the meantime, you are able to find peace. And I hope you find the strength to go find help if help doesn't find you. Take care.

[Kim]

Saying I'm sorry that you feel so terrible isn't enough, I know. But I want you to know that I (along with all your readers I'm sure) sincerely hope you begin to feel better soon. In the meantime, hug that boy of yours as much as he will let you. And then hug him again.

[methodpam]

Oh, Alice. I second eM's sentiments completely. We're not going anywhere and we wish only the best for you.

[ML]

Being real is beautiful. And you exude all levels of beauty.

[Kira]

People don't read your blog merely for comic relief, they read it because you are interesting and articulate - no matter what your state of mind. Just keep writing about whatever is on your mind. Maybe it will help these awful feelings. You are brave to keep it real.

[cloudy]

Thank you for being so honest. I am very sorry you have to go through this.

[chiquita]

hang in there. sometimes the only way out is through. you don't have to be funny or interesting, just take care of you.

[stephanie]

I'm so very sorry that life is so difficult right now. Of course you are right when you say you will get through it, and of course you are right when you say it will hurt terribly to do it. As a long-time reader, I don't think there is anything you could write to alienate me, but then I feel sort of like a parasite saying, "Please don't stop writing," when you are obviously having a hard time. I wish I could do something else besides post a lame comment to show you my support, but as it is all I can say is thank you for writing this post even though it must not have been easy and I hope that you find peace.

[rimarama]

Sending peace and comfort vibes your way.

[Not On Fire]

Please do not feel that we are angry or disappointed because you are going through a hard time. I only hope that know that it will get better. We are here for you are much as we can be. Please continue to ask for help.

[christy]

Lurker who loves you here. Your pain is palpable and we are all feeling it and sharing it with you. Be true to how you feel. There is no one path for Grief. Follow yours and one day you will come out of that dark place into light again. We love you Alice!

[allison]

Alice, I have been reading your blog for almost a year now, and it is one of my favorite places to visit, because your writing is so REAL and lovely. In some small way, I hope it helps to know of another reader you have connected with, even during a time when you feel so utterly disconnected with everything. Take care of yourself, please.

[anne]

I just wanted to send you hugs. Lots of them. Please don't make apologies....grief is a bitch and unfortunately a lot of us know that all too well.

[wonderer]

Take all the time you need, Alice. We'll be here when you're ready.

[Jen E]

::hugs::

[MomVee]

Alice, _you_ are more important than your blog, BlogHer, our expectations, and our entertainment. All of us who have ever enjoyed your writing feel like we know you, and we love you, and we want you to feel better.

[Carrie]

Keep wading, lady.

[Marguerite]

I am very sorry you have to go through this, I hope you will find what you need. Hang in there and take care.

[Jenny]

Alice, I am a long time reader and have never commented, but now I feel compelled to. Things will get better, and those aren't throw away words to just cover up the situation. Things WILL get better, and all you owe to your family, friends, readers, is your honesty. Don't feel like you have to put on a funny face, you have developed quite a following for YOU, all of you.

[Erika]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[Ren]

Oh Alice, did you know that we will understand because most, if not all, of us have been there at some point. We ache for you because we remember the phoney smiles that have been plastered on our faces while watching everyone else seem to so effortlessly exist. How come life is not as hard for them? Perhaps their smiles aren't real either.

A friend of mine told me to focus my thoughts on the person I loved the most when my despair became too much to handle. Sounds corny but boy did it help. I can not not smile when thinking of my girl, all 6 years, 50 pounds and 51 inches of her. I hope her advice helps you a little bit too.

[kelsi]

Dear Alice,Take your time. We'll be here for you. And, we're just as present for you when you are funny, sad, angry, and even when you don't know what you are.This community is more than just an audience - it's a great big beating heart that wants to laugh with you, cry with you, and above all, heal with you.Be well,Kelsi

[kate]

I think I speak for many when I say that the only expectations your readers have is for you to be your authentic self. Do what you need to to get through it, write or don't write. We'll wait.

xoxo

[Nichole]

I wish that there were something I could do to help you through this. If there is, please let me know.

[Heidi]

"Right now I wish more than anything I could take back the decision to go to this conference, take back the last few months, start over and give you whatever you're here looking for..."

All I am looking for here is you and your honesty. I'm grateful that you are willing and able to share your difficulties so openly. I hope that doing so is helpful to you in some way. There is so much courage and strength in admitting to "hiding in plain sight." Thank you for coming out of hiding here with this post.