What's going on.

Readers have asked me to write about Blogher, but I can't. I didn't have the BlogHer experience I wanted to have, and I can't pretend I did, and if I tried to relay my experience I don't think anyone would believe I was at the same conference as all those other amazing people who had such a great time. Because my experience had nothing to do with the conference, it had to do with me. There's something not right in here, and I don't know what the problem is.

What I know is that I'm filled with grief all the time, that I have tried the patience of my friends and family, that I have been less of a mother and wife than I want to be, that I'm terrified that I'm driving away the people I love, that I've barely eaten since I returned. I am sure anyone who saw me at BlogHer will be baffled by this post, because I do an excellent job of hiding in plain sight. But since then something has broken open, and I can't hide. Right now I wish more than anything I could take back the decision to go to this conference, take back the last few months, start over and give you whatever you're here looking for, the anecdote or joke or relief from your day that you probably expect, instead of this sopping mess who's struggling to compose these crappy paragraphs. Even writing this seems awful and self-indulgent, but if I can't be honest here and get this out I will never write here again. I'm barely hanging on, and I'm trying to make sense of what happened to me. Of what's still happening to me.

Please be patient with me as I try to get to the other side of this. I know I will, but getting there means wading through a stunning level of pain and I don't like it one bit.

Comments

[lilfootsmommy]

Thinking of you and hoping you feel better. Be well Alice!

[kate]

XOXOXO

[amy]

No need to explain. Life has its good and bad moments and this doesn't change just b/c you have a blog. My thoughts are with you during this time - give it all the time you need. We'll be here

Amy

[Jennifer, Snapshot]

I just "met" you after seeing Janice's interview with you on 5 Minutes for Mom, so I popped over to check this out.

Of course, this wasn't what I was expecting, but it's this kind of heart-breaking honesty that makes blogging real.

Reading about your sadness filled me with sadness. Being the 229th commenter, I almost thought "why bother," but you bothered to share, so I'll bother to thank you for it, and to encourage you to hang on until it feels right.

[Laura]

I have been where you are, and it's not any fun at all. I felt like a rotten old tree - carved out and dead on the inside with rough skin outside. Please take good care of yourself and try to put yourself first for a while - ahead of your son, your husband, your devoted readers, your friends and family - because you must. The darkness will lift, the pain will fade, if you put your energy towards yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Sparkling Red]

You're doing great. Really. I've been in that place where it took so much just to get out of bed every morning that someone should have awarded me a medal for courage everytime I manage to get up, washed, and feed myself. If I had one of those medals, I'd send it to you now.

[angelawd]

Alice, I have to thank you ONCE AGAIN for keeping it real. I am in the same, painful and broken place and it vomits out into my blog every day. Thanks for making it acceptable. It's all we have to give right now. This is what we have.

And I, as well as many of your other readers, don't judge you by the amount you make us laugh and cry. We come back because you're authentic, real, honest, and gentle about your walk through this world.

[elisa]

Be good to yourself, grief is hard.

[lesli]

I agree with what everyone has been saying -- we come here to read whatever you write, whatever it is. Don't worry about disappointing us by not being funny or clever or even not writing at all. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself and get through this. We'll still be here.

[Quine]

Oh I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. It's so awful and destroying and you feel like a person you've never met and don't much like - but like so many others have said, eventually it will get less horrific. You're doing exactly the right things, even just admitting you feel like this (it took me more than a year and far too much alcohol). It will get better. xxxxx.

[Jim]

Alice, I can't say it any better than it's already been said. Just.... ditto, dear.... ditto....

[Julie Mead]

It will get better-I promise. I have been there and one day you will wake up and it will be just that little bit better.

[Amy]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Just keep being real--so many people feel the way you do, and I can't tell you how meaningful it is to have my own grief elevated by reading what you write. You are validating a very real part of many people's lives, and that is very important.

[Shannon]

We won't ever leaveWe wish we could all helpWe are thinking about youJust take care of you

[Michelle]

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time, take the time to grieve, and we will be here for you always

[Dee]

I hate to see that you're still in a funk, but it's totally understandable. I think you need to find a good therapist, though. I started my daughter going to therapy recently and the change in her is remarkable. Please see if you can find someone you can talk to, who will help you work through the issues. You're not alone.Dee

[Iva]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being real. Those who truly love and care about you will continue to visit and read up on you and give you their well wishes.

Blessings.

[Christina Shaver]

Grief does not need an apology.

[Amanda]

What can I say that hasn't been said so beautifully by all of your fans? No one's going anywhere, sister. Like Julia Roberts' cute hooker friend in Pretty Woman said, "Take care of you."

[Amy]

Oh Alice, please don't worry about us and what you think we need or want. Take whatever time you need for yourself and don't feel ashamed that you need it. Its been a year and four months since my miscarriage, and still i have my hard days but it does get better. I promise.

[Sus]

We are all here for you in any way that you need. You need someone to just sit there and listen while you cry and scream and vent, you can call me. You need someone to just listen to you breath, so you know that you are alive, you can call me.

I don't want to say that everything will be ok, because I don't honestly know that. All I am saying is, you are not alone. We are here.

[Heidi]

Alice,I come here because your writing makes me feel less alone in the world -- no matter what you're writing about.Please say whatever you want or need to say, and let us try to do for you what you do so well for everyone else. You won't drive anyone away.

[Cassandra]

I agree with so many others - that we come to read you and your intelligent words. I know I can't make your day better with a few lines typed over the internet, but I do hope that you can just "be" for a while.

Wishing you goodness and light...

[Jessica]

Many, many hugs to you, Alice. Hang in there! We will all be here waiting for you when you are ready. xoxoxooxoxoxxo

[ChristieNY]

Dear Alice,

1) We aren't going anywhere, my dear.

2) You will get through this. Somehow, you will. I will pray for you.

3) I have grief in my heart as well, my father died suddenly this past spring. He was young and healthy. We lived with him and he babysat my 4 year old every day. My 4 year old talks of him constantly which tears me open every single day.

4) I know my grief is different than yours right now (I've had a m/c as well). BUT the pain inside our souls is the same. I have yet to find a way to "fix" myself. I'm too broken inside and filled with grief.

Yet I have hope for the both of us. Hang in there. You're not alone. HUGS.

5) i will be tuning in because