What's going on.

Readers have asked me to write about Blogher, but I can't. I didn't have the BlogHer experience I wanted to have, and I can't pretend I did, and if I tried to relay my experience I don't think anyone would believe I was at the same conference as all those other amazing people who had such a great time. Because my experience had nothing to do with the conference, it had to do with me. There's something not right in here, and I don't know what the problem is.

What I know is that I'm filled with grief all the time, that I have tried the patience of my friends and family, that I have been less of a mother and wife than I want to be, that I'm terrified that I'm driving away the people I love, that I've barely eaten since I returned. I am sure anyone who saw me at BlogHer will be baffled by this post, because I do an excellent job of hiding in plain sight. But since then something has broken open, and I can't hide. Right now I wish more than anything I could take back the decision to go to this conference, take back the last few months, start over and give you whatever you're here looking for, the anecdote or joke or relief from your day that you probably expect, instead of this sopping mess who's struggling to compose these crappy paragraphs. Even writing this seems awful and self-indulgent, but if I can't be honest here and get this out I will never write here again. I'm barely hanging on, and I'm trying to make sense of what happened to me. Of what's still happening to me.

Please be patient with me as I try to get to the other side of this. I know I will, but getting there means wading through a stunning level of pain and I don't like it one bit.

Comments

[DiaryofWhy]

We will be patient with you. We will always be patient with you. Take care, Alice.

[Sara]

I've never commented here, but I want you to know that I have been reading your blog for a while, and that you and I had a miscarriage right around the same time. I am so sorry for your loss and I know that nothing will make it better right now. I am right there with you. Just know that your words have helped me get through my pain, and I hope that writing what you do helps you get through yours as well. Nothing but good thoughts to you.

[judy haley (coffeejitters)]

we don't come here looking for fake.

It is what it is and you're sharing the real you, and that's beautiful. You'll work through this in your own time, not someone else's timeline.

It'll be ok and we're not going anywhere

[JRM]

At this point in time, writing about what people want, should be the last thing on your mind. The most important thing you should be doing -- the only thing you should be doing -- is getting yourself to your doctors ASAP and explain every symptom and feeling you have and let them help you get through this. GO!

[Stacey]

{{{hugs}}} take all the time you need

[NotFace]

You are very brave, and I'm proud of you.

[merlotmom]

Alice, I'm a reader but haven't commented yet. I met you at BlogHer and I think you're terrific. I came by your blog because EVERYONE out there seems to LOVE you. You are safe here and I'm sorry you're going through a rough time, I KNOW I'll see you (read you) on the other side.

[Susannah aka Petunia Face]

A beautiful post about a naked emotion. I am so sorry you have broken open only to find yourself empty inside. I wish I had something wise to say but in lieu of that please take this: a virtual hug. A hand. A "thinking of you" and wishing you peace.

[Sarah]

I am so so sorry that you are having depression on top of grief. That is like a shit sandwich. No wonder you feel like crap.

[Ren275]

Don't worry about us readers. We are here for you, no matter what. Continue to be yourself and share yourself with us. We will continue to be here for you, good times and bad. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Debbie In HB]

I fall into the "never commented before" category too, but I just had to say hang in there, and please take good care of yourself. You aren't driving us away. I just wish there was something more that we could do than say we're sorry. And that we're pulling for you.

[Alison]

I don't think I've ever commented, but I am coming out of the woodwork to say that you have been and will be in my thoughts, and I hope that this soon gets easier for you.

[Meghan]

Alice,

Do you need me to come over there and horrify you by trying to sit in your lap in a social anxiety-induced drunken binge and tell you now much I adore you? That's what was missing at Blogher this year. I just know it.

On a more serious (and sober) note: My heart goes out to you. You are a true talent, and when you write the truth, it moves people. I am so sorry you are in pain. I hope you find solace in your friends, loved ones, and professions that heal. Take care, Alice.

[dianne]

I cannot speak for the others ... but I shall: I visit you here because I have come to care deeply about you and your life ... your entire, whole self (not just your annoyingly perfect way with wit) ... and that you choose to expose the bruised and bleeding bits ... well, it breaks my heart ... for nothing but sunshine and rainbows and kittens (buckets of 'em) should be yours.

So ... I am sending you a virtual bucket of kittens ... because an actual bucket would be creepy and inappropriate.

[Beth]

I'm sorry you're in pain.

[elise - All Or Nothing]

No rush, we will be here whenever you want to write, and will support whatever you want to say! Take care of yourself - and you're correct, you will get through it, even though it feels like it's never-ending.

[Amy]

I am so sorry you are feeling so badly. Please take care and be kind to yourself. There are an awful lot of people out here who care about you! (And I gather there are quite a few in-real-life people, too.) All the best to you -- I wish you that most sincerely.

[theclevermom]

I don't know if your feelings of pain are related to your miscarriage, but if they are, you aren't alone in experiencing your pain this way. After my miscarriage I think I freaked out about it properly a year later.

It is worth noting that you were pregnant and that may have been more than enough to alter your hormones and chemicals so that you may be experiencing a postpartum depressive disorder. I know you used to take meds, I can't recall if you are currently taking any, but if you aren't talking to someone now, perhaps getting in touch with a women's mental health clinic would be helpful.

And, finally, if you need a safe place to publish your feelings anonymously, there is a cool site I found http://toohotformyblog.wordpress.com that publishes posts for people who are don't want certain stuff on their blog. It might be the right place to put some writing.

[Trish]

Oh Alice, sweetie, please don't worry about us! Good grief, it's such a sign of the amazing person you are that you're in the midst of all this pain, and yet you worry about us. We're not here just because you're entertaining. We might have started reading your blog for that reason, but we stayed because we grew to care about you, good days AND bad. So take the time you need. Let this blog be whatever you need it to be, whether that's a distraction, or a place to release some of your pain, or even a place you have to take a break from for a while so you can concentrate on getting through this.

Take care of yourself.

[SparklieSunShine]

I can only speak for me, but I don't come her to here the joke of the day by any means. I come her because I enjoy reading what you have to say even when that isn't something positive.

I can't even imagine what your going through and how hard these past months have been for you. I hope things get brighter.

[Velma]

It's really o.k. to take time for yourself. Don't worry about giving the ever-hungry internet pieces of you that you just can't spare right now, because we get it. Really.

[lydia]

I'm coming out of lurker status for this. Please, you've got to take care of YOU. My family just recently suffered a loss. ANOTHER loss. My niece was killed in an automobile accident last Oct. and she was killed in an accident much like my sister, whom she was named after, did 19 years ago. If I've learned anything from these horrific deaths it's that there are no rules to grief. Every soul is different and the only thing that needs to be on your mind right now is you and your family. The end.

[The Other Dawn]

We're here for the poop jokes, sure. But mostly we're here for you. In any form you come. Tho' you might want to change your header... wading the deep end now.

And we're here, with little life preservers. (I think I just made myself vomit from the pith. But you get the drift, right?)

[Spatula]

Dear Alice, feel better soon. I've been through clinical depression and really feel for you. I am sending you good wishes and good vibes.

What worked for me, aside from a pile of medication, was finding one single thing that gave me even a glimmer of pleasure, and doing it religiously, over and over. Gradually, the circle of things that gave me pleasure started to expand, and the feeling that someone was flaying my soul went away.

Big internet hugs. Please make sure you have help and go easy, easy, easy on yourself. Take it super-slow. It WILL get better.

If I could give you a fuzzy soul blanket that would make it go away, I would.

[Emily]

Having suffered from severe depression myself, I am thinking of you. Please scratch the worry about pleasing "us" from your list of concerns. You are not disappointing "us", you do not have a responsibility to "us", and you will have a loyal readership whenever you feel up to posting - be it about the lighthearted or the painful moments.