What's going on.

Readers have asked me to write about Blogher, but I can't. I didn't have the BlogHer experience I wanted to have, and I can't pretend I did, and if I tried to relay my experience I don't think anyone would believe I was at the same conference as all those other amazing people who had such a great time. Because my experience had nothing to do with the conference, it had to do with me. There's something not right in here, and I don't know what the problem is.

What I know is that I'm filled with grief all the time, that I have tried the patience of my friends and family, that I have been less of a mother and wife than I want to be, that I'm terrified that I'm driving away the people I love, that I've barely eaten since I returned. I am sure anyone who saw me at BlogHer will be baffled by this post, because I do an excellent job of hiding in plain sight. But since then something has broken open, and I can't hide. Right now I wish more than anything I could take back the decision to go to this conference, take back the last few months, start over and give you whatever you're here looking for, the anecdote or joke or relief from your day that you probably expect, instead of this sopping mess who's struggling to compose these crappy paragraphs. Even writing this seems awful and self-indulgent, but if I can't be honest here and get this out I will never write here again. I'm barely hanging on, and I'm trying to make sense of what happened to me. Of what's still happening to me.

Please be patient with me as I try to get to the other side of this. I know I will, but getting there means wading through a stunning level of pain and I don't like it one bit.

Comments

[Anita]

I've been reading your blog for many months now, but I've never commented.You're a beautiful person---I'm so sorry for this pain that has you in it's cruel grip. Your readers wish we could pry it's fingers away from you, pull you to safety,...to happiness again.But we can't.Be gentle on yourself, don't add needlessly to your pain by feeling as though you are falling short by your readers somehow. Reserve your energy for wading through this and coming out on the other side. And know that you're not alone. We're all on your side,...we'll all be waiting.Try to allow yourself to take refuge in the love of all the people lucky enough to know you in real life.Take care you.

[Brandi]

What wonderful words from everyone and for everyone. I am sorry you feel so badly Alice. Feeling like you are in a bubble that no one else can pierce sucks, that's how I think of it anyway. I have no words of comfort other than to allow yourself this horrid time and not feel guilty. Without furrows the peaks would not seem so high. (Trite, I know but it helps me when I'm in a furrow)

I wanted to thank meg Hatton for her comment. I never thought of our Western views on pain in such a way. Definitely some thing to think about for me. Grieve but learn to let go as well, hmmm. Thank you.

I'm sorry I'm no good at giving comfort but I wish you love and healing Alice.

[Wendy]

I know you probably won't even get this far in the comments because you'll be overwhelmed by the out-pouring of love and support we're all sending. But I want to tell you something anyway.

I haven't been reading very long, but I feel like I know you. I know that you're an incredibly strong woman and I know you can do this. You will not be given more than you can handle. Just keep working through today and eventually you'll be past it. And write about whatever the hell you need to. We're all a community, and while sometimes life is funny, some times is it not. You write about life. That's what we want to read.

Sending my love and prayers.

[jana]

I don't think it's self-indulgent to try to work through/figure out your grief. I think it's good and necessary and responsible. You do what you have to do, and share what you want/can, and the internet will get your back.

[HeatherDB]

Alice,

Saying you'll feel better eventually probably means very little when you're in the midst of what you're going through. Intellectually, you might know it to be true, but you feel what you feel, and it's hard to imagine not feeling that way.

I suffered a variety of bouts of depression while going through fertility treatments, losing one of my twins very early on, and then post-partum depression with both of my pregnancies. The emotional part makes sense to me--these things are sad and hard for many women. Yet why am I taking it so much harder than others seem to be? What I took a lot of comfort in was understanding the biological and chemical aspect of what was going on, and was potentially contributing to why I couldn't seem to come out the other side. Reading Women's Moods: What Every Woman Must Know About Hormones, the Brain and Emotional Health by Deborah Sichel, MD was really helpful for me.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Waiting Amy]

I've only been reading you for awhile, when I started checking out more "mommy bloggers." But I started out in the infertility and loss community. I say all this to let you know I understand your feelings grief and sadness.

Wishing you peace and an easier journey. Good thoughts to you and hope for brighter days.

[Allison]

Alice, I love you no matter what you are writing. <>

[Elizabeth]

I'm sure you're in touch with Heather, so all I can say is DO WHATEVER SHE SUGGESTED -- I'm sure it was good advice. And then be patient with yourself. Meanwhile, all your readers sit with you silently and wait for the pain to recede a little. It's okay to be however you are. One my "frequent fly-by" blogs is one of the most depressed people I can imagine -- life just won't cut him a break. But I keep going back, because I keep hoping that some sunshine will eventually fall on him... And it WILL for you, too. Saying a prayer right now for you.

[Peggy]

Another lurker coming out to say I'm sorry you are hurting so much. Do what you need to do work through it.Know that there are many people sending good thoughts and hugs to help you through.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

Day by day. Take as much time as you need and know there are many people who care about you.

[SAJ]

praying for you...

[paige]

thinking of you, alice and wishing you peace.

[angharad]

You don't owe "us" anything. Take of yourself and the rest will follow. You are in my thoughts and I'll keep reading regardless.

[Nicole]

Although I mostly lurk, you haven't lost me and you won't.

Loss is hard - and quite honestly, it sucks. I've never been pregnant, never miscarried, but suffered loss. I don't know exactly where you are, but in any case, at one time I was pretty much next door.

And its okay to feel the way you do.

[Abby]

I'm so sorry for you loss. I just blogged about feeling totally miserable after hitting my year two miscarriage anniversary last weekend. Take tender care of yourself. My heart is with you!

[Sprite's Keeper]

I'm quietly adding my support to the others and pray for you to find some relief from your pain.

[kat]

you will find your way through this sooner or later. in the mean time, don't beat yourself up for not being through already.

[Aurora Stokowski]

I'm so, so sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time. It's entirely understandable, and you can add me on to the list of people who wish they could do something to help. Reading what you have to say, it's so much more than something to giggle along with during the workday - it's about a human connection, seeing a gear turning in the larger community that is the interweb. Human-ness has it's good days and it's bad days. We all just hope that you are able to give yourself patience, for yourself, and try to think happy thoughts for you until you're feeling better. What I want to say sounds better than this actually does written out here.

[Jodes]

May the source of peace send peace to you and comfort you in your grief.

[Sara]

Sending lots of comforting thoughts your way. You will never drive us away - thank you for your honesty. Even though you may not feel like it, your honesty and "realness" are very refreshing.

Hang in there :)

[Marcheline]

Maybe this is the time to take care of yourself and not worry about pleasing people you don't even know.

Maybe this is the time to use your blog to heal yourself, and not think about every word to see if it's going to win awards or make you popular.

Maybe this is your body's way of telling you that if you don't take care of YOU, you won't be able to take care of anyone else.

Whatever the case, we're all pulling for you and we'll still be here when you get your groove back.

- M

[Lucia]

For what it's worth, coming from yet another stranger on the Internet, as yet too inexperienced to fully relate to what you're going through, I'm so sorry. I hope it helps (even if only a tiny bit) that hundreds of people are pulling for you and holding you in their thoughts.

[HouseofJules]

Sending you lots of good, healing thoughts and positive mojo. I know you have a great support system around you and applaud you for your honesty. Hang in there, Alice. Thinking of you.

[Shnoodle]

Alice, we don't come for the diversion, we come for the illusion of knowing you. This near-intimacy with a woman such as yourself draws us like moths, even in the bad times. Stay with us.

[Anissa@Hope4Peyton]

I am all too familiar with there not being words to explain how overwhelming all the pain and grief can be. I am awed to see how many people respond to the raw open emotion you shared and I hope that you see how you are more than just some funny lines on a screen. People care.