Wii just want you to be happy

The Wii Fit is my passive-aggressive friend who has cool games but won't let me at them until it cheerfully bullies me into submission. A friend who only allows you one response: pressing the A button. This is a terrible friend. And yet I can't stop coming back to it.

Wii Fit: Hello, Alice! Haven't seen you here in a while! [A]

Alice: I've been busy. Give a girl a break.

Wii Fit: ….

Alice: [A]

Wii Fit: Scott was here just yesterday! He sure is getting in shape, wouldn't you say? [A]

Alice: Can we just get on with this?

Wii Fit: …

Alice: Sigh. [A]

Wii Fit: I see the deadline for your goal has past! Did you reach your goal? [A]

Alice: You know the answer to that, you bastard.

Wii Fit: …

Alice: [A][A][A]

Wii Fit: Oooh, I see you didn't reach your goal. You wanted to lose 5 pounds and you only lost 0 pounds. You've failed at this just like you've failed at so much else, haven't you, Alice?

Alice: [pressing A while staring at shoes]

Wii Fit: Maybe you need to set smaller, more manageable goals. Small goals can be encouraging for people like you!

Alice: Sniff. [A]

Wii Fit: I noticed that the last time I asked you why you weren't losing weight, you chose the option, "I don't know." Maybe you need to think a little harder about your choices, Alice!

Alice: ALL RIGHT, ALREADY.

Wii Fit: …

Alice: [A], DAMN IT, [A]!

Wii Fit: Maybe you should come here every day and think about what you're not doing right, and how you can start doing those things right. That's all I ask. Is that too much? Alice? Can you do that?

Alice: A...[lying across the Wii Fit balance board.]

Wii Fit: I noticed that your tears are wetting my balance board! Crying out all that water weight might help some, but another way to lose excess pounds is to stop cramming your maw with processed garbage! Which I saw you doing the other day when I secretly turned myself back on long after you thought it was safe! Those were too many chips for one mouth! That's a Wii Fit Tip!

Alice: [A][A][A][A][A][A]

Wii Fit: Okay, now it's time to have fun! You can stand up now! I'll let you do some Super Hula! And if you come tomorrow maybe I'll be a little nicer! You wait another day, though, and I don't know how I'll be. You tell Scott that, too.

Comments

[Sue]

Sounds like the Wii Fit should be named HAL.....

[You can call me, 'Sir']

Fitness has no place in video games. Whoever invented such a concept should be shaved and forced to walk the streets wearing a board reading, "INVENTOR OF JACKASSERY!"

Because that's who they are.

[Leeanthro]

Oh jeez! I was going to take my Fit Board out of the box tonight and set it up. Now I'm scared. Maybe it's better than the old lady at Weight Watchers. But I hate to be insulted in my own home!

I'm looking forward to hula hooping, because lord knows I can't do it in real life!

[LizPres]

In the midst of your sadness and anxiety and personal horrors ... you are still hilarious. Just so funny. I hope you are occasionally able to make yourself laugh as much as you make us laugh.

[Heather]

I had thought I might want one of these, but I'm pretty sure I don't now!

[hills]

At least you have Wii Fit. It's nowhere to be found in Canada. *shakes fist*

[The Window Seat]

Wow. It must be my pre-wedding madness but this makes me want to get a Wii fit even more! I need someone to stay on me about slacking off.

[Spatula]

That Wii could make a killing as a dominatrix. Maybe you should pimp it out?

If my machine talked to me like that, I'd... be a lot more fit, for a start.

[Anne Prince]

Damn Sue - you beat me to my line - that was the first thing I though of as well! And then I read the entire post in HAL's voice in my head.

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

Maybe I don't wan the Wii Fit after all . . .

[suburbancorrespondent]

I'm so glad I'm not tech-savvy enough to even attempt using this Wii thing. Last thing I need is even more guilt.

[Nikki]

I KNOW! The damned balance board is so snotty, right? My sister was complaining that she found the female trainer to be condescending, but my beef is with the hunk of plastic back-talking me whenever I miss a workout.

[Sarah]

Hilarious! I get so mad at that stupid thing talking to me. I don't let my kids talk to me like that! In a strange way it's demoralizing comments make me want to work harder - must be the point.

[Onbeelay]

I think this is just the first step to total submission of the entire human race to computer control. First the WiiFit...tomorrow. THE WORLD!

[silvermine]

Hahahhahahaha. [A][A][A]. My daughter just loves the pig.

[Catherine]

oh no! do you think my Wii Fit knows yours? That they went to the same training camp? Now I'm even more scared to open it. But I supposed I should. Maybe it'll help with the tennis elbow I et from Wii Bowling?

[elise]

Oh my goodness that was the most I've laughed in a long time.

[Jill]

Your Wii Fit has a sense of humor. I must go buy one.

[Jenna]

Every single time that stupid thing makes me feel bad by highlighting my gut and making it spill over my pants when I step on. How is this supposed to be helping?

The little childs voice encouraging me to step on is nice though.

[George]

I think you need to ask HAL 9000 to open the pod bay doors so you can -quick- toss the Wii to the heavens.

[Jaynee]

My husband has a Mii that he set up for the Wii Fit and he hasn't been on in about 10 days. Yesterday when I logged in, my Wii Fit asked me where Denis was. Very creepy.

In other news, my Wii Fit claimed I gained 1.5 pounds between yesterday and today. Huzzah!

...[A]

[Miss Grace]

What is a Wii Fit?

[Sleeping Mommy]

Hmmm, mine doesn't talk to me like that. Although it does like to tell me "That's Obese!" in a super sweet child like voice.

however, it does talk to my husband like that.

guess which one of us uses it everyday?

[Jessica]

"Alice: Sniff. [A]"

Perfectly captures my relationship with the Wii. This Alice woman is brilliant. [A]

[Sandi]

Alice, you still crack me up, even if your grief and sadness.