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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

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With friends like these, etc.

Henry's constructing a Bionicle in the backseat. "I built you a guy," he announces.

I look behind me. It appears to be some sort of three-pronged weapon. "Where's his head?" I ask.

"He doesn't have one," he explains. "He's an Electro-Stabber."

"Why don't you build something friendly?" Scott asks.

"Yes," I agree, "Can't you build something…non-stabby?"

Usually this response drives Henry insane, and he rails against our lack of understanding in such matters. Bionicles and the like were created as weapons of destruction, not diplomacy; when will we pacifist fools understand that?

But this time he pauses and says, "Okay."

A few minutes later he's done. "I built you an Electro-buddy," he says.

I look behind me again. "It looks exactly the same."

"It's a buddy!" he insists.

"Doesn't seem very huggable," I observe.

"Oh, you can hug him," Henry says. "Only if you do you'll get stabbed."

Reader Comments (48)

i love henry.
October 13, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterislaygirl
This is just wonderful and made me laugh lots.Have you ever had the misfortune to watch the Bionicle movie? Never has a piece of jagged plastic been less successfully anthropomorphised. They should SO have stuck to stabbing with their fearsome plastic arms.
October 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJaywalker
Oh me god. This post = a thing of beauty.

May I never meet a Bionicle.
October 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTina Rowley
My son is only six months old, but I may have to run out and go get some Bionicles now.
October 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTwice Five Miles
I think I dated that electro-buddy.
October 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPandechion
Oh my word!!!! He's brilliant!!!!
October 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLisa C
LMAO I do believe I've had that exact same conversation with my 5yo!
October 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMimi
heh, that is SO like my 3 year old :)
October 14, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterdot
Awwwww.... A stabbing hugging Buddy!! Very sweet.

My eldest used to draw extremely bloody battles during art class. We had to have STRICT rules: NO GUN pictures (or knives or swords or nuclear bombs)at school.
October 14, 2008 | Unregistered Commentertracey
i don't even try to have that conversation regarding bionicles. the boys bring me these horrific bristling creatures and i just say, "wow" or "i like that red part" or--this one is real genius--"i like it."
October 14, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterangela michelle
It's amazing to me how similar young boys are. This is totally something my 8 year old would say.
October 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBecky
I read this to my son, and now he wants to know if he can build a stabby buddy.
October 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercat19
Oh Alice - thank you for a much needed laugh this morning!
October 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermek
Henry is channeling the classics:

Hostile indigenous tribesman to three captured missionaries. "You have defiled our Gods! You must pay the consequences! You must choose! Death! Or Bomba!"

First missionary: "I fear death. I must choose Bomba."

Subsequent agonized screaming, stage left.

HIT returns. "You! You now choose! Death? Or Bomba!"

Second missionary: "I fear both, but I too choose Bomba."

Subsequent rending of flesh, gushing, and even louder screams, stage right.

HIT returns. "And now it is YOU! You must choose! Will it be Death? Or will it be Bomba?"

Third missionary: "I choose death."

HIT: "Death! Death is honorable! So you will get Death!"

Third missionary starts his prayers.

HIT: "But first! A little Bomba."
October 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJMartin
I, for one, welcome our Electro-overlords.

October 16, 2008 | Unregistered Commentergesikah
I too, have a 5 year old son, (in half day kindergarten to boot-yes it's awful)! And he loves his Bionicles and Legos! I always plead with him to make "ice-cream shooters" or "happy and reformed beasts of destruction", etc, instead of weaponry. He won't do that, so I just make his creations have big tea parties together! He HATES that. hehe
October 16, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercj coats
Henry is pure awesome.
October 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHeidi
OMG, so funny. Just tonight, my 5-year-old held up a tiny plastic sword that came with his pirate ship and invited my husband to play "a stabbing game." Don't know where that came from, as we're certainly never stabbing around here!
October 16, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterpenelope
Absolutely classic. At least you got an interesting kid and not a boring one. :)
October 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJenn
Reminds me of the boy I saw in the health food store, eating his tofu into the shape of a gun.At least he's diplomatic.
October 17, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterZip n Tizzy
Heh, I just laughed my butt off. I can't wait to have some boys so they can avenge me.

FYI, the tea party stabfest above is going to make for some extremely warped children. Serial killers who give you a makeover...taxmen who take you on a date first..or worse, FRATBOYS!
October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJemima
Ahh, boys. Is this what I have to look forward to in my future?
October 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNo Mother Earth
At least you know where the stabs are coming from. I teach a writing class to grown up bionicle boys. They are constantly going from crisis to crisis, without heads on their characters.. (Just kidding) All boys like action.

October 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterOrganizing MOmmy

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