You wanted me to post more, so this is what you get.

I woke up this morning to pain. Pain rolled over and gazed into my eyes and whispered, “Hey, baby.”

“Jesus Christ,” I whimpered, “What did you do to me?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Pain chuckled. “Now get up and make me some goddamn French toast.”

Let’s try this again.

I kept waking up throughout the night wondering what was hurting, was it me or the bedside table or the dog?, and then I’d fall back into a fitful sleep in which ghosts were trying to steal my blueberries. Bloooberries, each one would cry, wafting toward me with their ghostly hands outstretched, and I would throw them out the church doors and scream, Enjoy some fucking blueberries in hell!

When I finally woke up, my first thought was what was with all the ghosts and the blueberries? And my second was holy crap what is wrong with me?

It seems that I have a muscle spasm in every muscle in my neck and upper back. And shoulders. The pain is radiating down my arms, and up into my head, and down my spine. My god, how it hurts. I can’t turn my head in any direction or pick up anything or breathe.

Because experience has taught me that Sarno is wise and wonderful, or at least on the right path in such matters, my first thought was, who am I mad at? Or, um, what do I not want to do? I don’t want to read more Star Wars books, came to mind, and I am mad at George Lucas and want to kill kill kill him, but you all know that already. I expressed my rage! There’s nothing pent up in here! So what else? I went to the dentist yesterday, and although I had a cavity filled, it was not altogether unpleasant. Sadly, I now anticipate with great joy the peace and mental freedom I will experience while my teeth are being drilled. I was a little pissed at my dentist for the way he was manhandling my mouth as if there weren’t a face attached to it. You know when dentists lean their hands up against your nose and eyes while they’re working? Or when they continue to pull at your upper lip way past the point when it could reasonably help them see what they’re doing? Yeah. So there was that.

You know what else hurts? Sneezing. Coughing. And moving. And reading books. (And typing.) And lifting Henry, but of course I have to do that. I’ve tried ice, which hurts, and heat, which hurts as well. I’ve tried gentle stretches, which cause the kind of breathtaking pain that just has to be productive, but afterward everything remains the same. When my husband comes home, I will try beer.

Comments

[mathew]

i think there is a kid's cereal called boo-berries.

i'm sorry to hear about your muscle spams - perhaps you are over stressed? i occasionally have severe lower back pain and i have trouble pinpointing the source of it as well.

[mathew]

i couldn't resist:

Booberry Cereal.

[Stacy]

I loved Booberry. And Frankenberry. And, of course, Count Chocula. And Lucky Charms. Ooh, and Cinnamon Life!

Damn, I'm hungry.

[Dorothy]

I have had a pinched nerve along my spine and slightly to the right for three years. I'm told it's aggravated by mousing (the computer type, not the rodent type). Do NOT apply heat. Apply ice. Yes, it hurts, but it is good pain. Apply ice, make sure you actually remember to take lots of ibuprofin and rub on the Icy Hot if you can stand it.

[christy]

Go to the chiropractor! If you go to a "real doctor" they will provide you with the fun, but short-lived, relief we call prescription narcotics. A good chiropractor (i.e. not Dr. Nick from the Simpsons) can fix you right up. Or, it does for me anyhow. Picking up babies is a death knoll for your neck and back and sometimes it just needs an adjustment.

Ok, now that I have done my totally unpaid testimony for the National Chiropractors Association, back to your regularly scheduled programming!

[roo]

I'm so sorry to hear about your neck pain. Ow!

Your symptoms sound sort of similar to ones my sister had a few years ago. Her physical therapist said there were a few factors influencing things, like habitually letting her neck slump forward and typing (probably often at the same time).

She was given this 4" by 3' styrofoam tube, and was told to place it on the floor and lie down with it under her head and spine. She was given some stretches to do from this position that she said were pretty painful at first, but ultimately really helped. She does the stretches while watching TV.

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon!

[Ginnie]

Wow! Sorry about your pain - that sounds awful! I work as a sign language interpreter and have problems with tension and pain in my back, neck, and shoulders. I could not LIVE without my chiropractor. It may not work for everyone, but it's probably worth a shot. Good luck!

[Annejelynn]

yeah, go with the beer

[ga girl]

go w/alcohol.

[Flippy]

A chiropractor who uses an activator. No adjustment pain for you, just relief.

Signed, A Chiropractor's Sister...who got great free treatment until he moved to another state. Grrr.

And, yumm, Chocolate Lucky Charms. Sorry, the cereal talkin' got to me.

[Wavery]

Am in same no neck condition as you. It's actually called torticolis as in turtleneck. ER Rx = valium, vicodin, ice for two days minimum and bedrest. It's been four and I'm still pathetic. But misery loves company. Take 'er easy.

[clickmom]

Poor sweeetie, every ince in a blue moon it happens to me, that I just sleep funny and there is nothing terminal about it. I just suffer for a day, get a good night's sleep the next night and wake up in much less pain. Make sure all your pillows are just the way you like them, and noone is hogging the bed or blanket, and hopefully you'll feel better in the AM.

Also, y'know what kicks chiropracter ass? Cranial sacral therapy. Just try it once-so gentle you aren't even sure they are doing anything until they are done all the pain and tension magically melts away. Honest.

Good Luck!

[Ivy]

Yup, I threw my entire back & neck out in a dentists chair! I struggled with the pain (and home remedies) for 6 days before making my first visit to a chiropractor. He said that the dentist chair hadn't been adjusted properly for me - it had felt quite large. My drive to the chiro was very unsafe, I couldn't turn my head so I would just kinda say, "I think it's safe to change lanes now" and veer slowly into another lane without actually looking.Don't suffer needlessly. Go get adjusted!

If you wait days like I did, you may need a follow up visit because my confused spine kept trying to go back out and get all spasmy.-Ivy

[Stefanie]

Sweetie, I think you're just going to get your p-e-r-i-o-d.

[alice]

Oh, God. You're saying that to be funny, right?

[the mighty jimbo]

just watch weekend at bernies part 2. the experience will be so excruciating you will forget all about the pain in your neck.

[Sheryl]

There's almost nothing worse than back pain. I hope you feel better soon.

[madgelove]

Dr. S is the man.

[mar]

I just wanted to send you a hug and second (third, fourth?) the chiropractic recommendation. And FWIW, I frequently see patients (I am a Chiro) who are "messed up" after a trip to the dentist. I could give you a lengthy explanation of why, but I bet you don't care at the moment. But I can tell you that most people in your situation respond very well, based on your description of the situation.

At the very least, your pain has brought me out of my lurkiness to tell you I like you and I like your blog and I don't want you to be all messed up and hurting anymore.

[Lisa V]

Hot tub or shower pummeling your achy spots might make you feel better? Sorry for the assvice.Hope it's better soon. I knew my Alice voodoo doll would make you post more often, but I had no idea you would dream about ghosts.

[Christy]

Maybe the dentist was pissed at George too and decided to take it out on your mouth? Seriously, last month I pinched a nerve and couldn't even move my neck. I went to the chiropractor and after two visits it was fixed. I'm sorry about your pain. I know it hurts like he##.

[Pain]

Aw, baby. Don't be that way. We had a good simile going on back there--the anthropomorphosis was a nice touch--and then you had to go and start again.

I'll go, but I won't look back. It'll be too me-ful.

[Melissa]

If the beer doesn't help, switch to vodka.

[Seriously Steph.]

Only you could make something so painful sound so absolutely hilarious. And then, when I read "Pain's" comment back to you, I almost fell out of my chair laughing. LOL!

[Mir]

Oh you poor thing... I hope you're pain-free by now. If not, um, tell your hubby he must stay home tomorrow and care for you and Star Wars Boy!