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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
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Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

Lets-Panic.com → 

« Curious George Gets Read One Too Many Times in This Household. | Main | And lemurs. Mustn't forget about those. »
Sunday
Nov252007

I feel so violated.

Dear cat:

I'm sorry we forgot to get you spayed. The good news is it's happening tomorrow. Meanwhile, don't look at me like that. I like you, but not in that way.

Fondly,

Your owner (but not lover)

Dear sexy, sexy human:

You are one hot number, did you know that? You don't have sleek fur covering your weird body, and you can't even cleanse your hindquarters with your probably un-barbed tongue, but… I don't know. There's something about you. I never noticed before today. But now I have these feelings, and I can't ignore them.

I will waggle my hindquarters in the air, and let nature take its course.

Patiently, your cat,

Izzy

Dear Izzy,

Shall I lock you in the basement overnight?

Love,

Alice

Dear Charlie,

Aw, yeah. I don't care how much of a non-cat you are, you are working this dog thing, and me likes. Do you know what you're doing to me, with that tail, and those eyes, and the way you stand there, paralyzed in terror, whenever I come around? Don't be afraid, baby. I got needs, and you're the closest thing to perfect within these four walls. You know where to find me.

Rowr,

Izzy

Cat-Thing--

Hey! What! I don't undersand when you talk about this and with the cat-butt in the air and what! It, you know, it's scary enough when you swat and hiss and poke and hiss and swat! Hey! But now I have to say I can't really handle this! Wow! I sure am very very very nervous! Where are my beloveds! My giant pink beloveds! Save me from cat-beast! SAVE!

Running,

Charlie

Hey baby,

You're the only one left, and time is running out. Tomorrow they take out my feelings, my hot cat needs, but tonight, tonight is for you and me. The dog, that coward, is hiding with the other non-cats, and I can't get at him. But you, you don't run away. You stand tall and strong, and I like that. Now MOUNT ME.

Thank you,

Your kitty cat.

ANIMAL:

No understand, me. Is confuse! Why you writhe and shimmy against I? What have you reason for chirruping? Cannot act. Cannot help! Want to, would like, but no working I is parts for moving. Am non-moving, but not non-feeling. So sorry.

Love,

COFFEE TABLE

Dear Alice,

Where are you going with this? Yes, we get it, the cat's in heat, you're getting her spayed. Better late then never, although some of us think spaying is evil and your cat should mate with wolves or whatever. We can't help it, some of us are kooks. Do you have any plans to wrap this up?

Love,

The Internet

Dear Internet,

No, I don't have any ideas, I'm sorry. I didn't think this through.

Yours,

Alice

Hey, Internet,

As long as you're here, HELP A CAT OUT GODDAMMIT.

Hugs 'n' stuff,

Izzy.

Reader Comments (57)

Dear Alice,

Hee! This is truly inspired! Too bad about the coffee table. lol

hugs n stuff,Marie
November 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMarie
Oh my! Thanks for the laugh, Alice!!We've been there and done that!
November 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSherry Bickford
Not a cat person… but holy crap that's funny.
November 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterPedro
Dear Izzy,

Here's some sugar, baby.

Love,The Internet
November 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMsMolly
I just peed my pants. You are an evil blogging genius.
November 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSue
Poor Izzy.
November 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAll Adither
MsMolly - As if this weren't hilarious enough, you had to pull out the LOLhamster that's been making me laugh all weekend long. Nicely played!
November 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAverage Jane
Dear Izzy,

I am old and fuzzy, but am willing to give you one hot hot night before tomorrow.

Love,

Jen's old chair
November 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterjenB
Your site should come with a warning.

Notice: If you have recently had open abdominal surgery, and are trying to hold your insides together with an Ace bandage, it might be best to skip reading this blog. K-THX.

Ow.
November 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkellie
*snort* I'll never be able to look at my coffee table the same way again. ;^)
November 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBeth
LOL!
November 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMarcy
this is so funny i'm going to quit blogging in the knowledge that i just can't measure up.

i'm just going to watch this space and hope my boss doesn't fire me for laughing at my 'puter screen, knowing that the code i'm supposed to be wriitng isn't *nearly* that funny.
November 26, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterholly
Okay, what business did you have disrupting my life, evil cat? Now everywhere I look, I see you, CREEPING UP TO ME!Alice - please accept my condolences.
November 26, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterollka
Wow ... I've a Dear Diary entry, circa 1984, that is eerily reminiscent. Hugs (awkward barely touching hugs) to all involved.
November 26, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterdianne
Alice, you're brilliant, of course, but why does your coffee table speak like Yoda?
November 26, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBipolarlawyercook
Dear Izzy,

Stop rubbing your butt on me. It's gross.

Love,

The Carpet
November 26, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterliz
You do realize that soliciting kittyporn is illegal in all 50 states, right?
November 26, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKriss
Are you sure your vet will spay her while she's in heat? Mine wouldn't - something about excess bleeding or something. You might want to check it out.
November 26, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLori
Yes, Lori, my vet will. She operates out of a van parked behind the Stop 'n' Shop, so her standards are fairly low.
November 26, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteralice
Oh no...animal sex! Nothing grosses me out more than some good old fashioned animal sexuality. I have no idea why....!
November 26, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAmy
Alice, has she climbed to the top of the nearest door yet and tried to rub the ceiling?

I kid you not. "Risky, circa 1985". She also went to the vet the next day.
November 26, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRee
Dear Izzy:See these flowers on my top side?They are for you. I really know how to romance a girl.Love, the coffee table.
November 26, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterwitchypoo
Dear Alice,

Tears...tears spurting out of my eyes from the laughter. Oh, the glorious laughter. Hee.

I adore you (and your cat),

Dana (non-stalker, seriously. Don't drive. And Greyhound drivers can't be bribed to circle houses obsessively)
November 26, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterDM
Brilliant. I laughed and then I read it to my husband and he laughed, even though I'm not sure I got the coffee table's voice quite right...
November 26, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterThea
Genius.
November 26, 2007 | Unregistered Commenter=^..^=

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